I hate food. Everything is always about food. I fucking hate it. I want to restrict and purge and run. I hate food.
JOIE DE VIVRE
Learning to love life
This is something I’ve needed to do for a while. I’ll log onto my tumblr and still see masses of strangers reblogging my before/after from December, and frankly, I feel guilty because that’s not me. I looked like that for two weeks tops. The truth is, maintaining is a fickle creature, and you’re never going to stay at that “lowest” weight while enjoying life. I struggled to keep my body that size, measuring and counting every calorie and carb consumed, yet I’ve been eating a balance of “unhealthy” food and healthy food since January and have only gained a small amount. I no longer weigh myself, put stock into pant sizes, freak out over measurements, or compare my body and weight to other women. I’m not basing my self-worth on arbitrary numbers anymore.
For reference, though, all of those pictures are in chronological order. I gained 10 pounds from the second-to-last picture to the most recent picture. My message is this: quit focusing on the numbers, and quit getting so hung up over meeting your mind’s eye of perfection. I tried and it was costly to my social life, my self-esteem, and my sanity. There IS a balance between being healthy and enjoying life, and I’ve found it.
Favorite inspiration right here.
Just went to a candlelight vigil for ed’s. It was awesome. And sad. But awesome. A lot of things that were said I could relate to. I’m not alone. It was cool seeing people so open about their disorder too. I’m so ashamed and I still haven’t had the courage to talk with my best friends about it. Tonight gave me some more strength and courage..I think. Both my parents went with me. That was awesome too. I love them. One of the speakers there had written a book, so I bought it (and her cd) and has her sign it and she gave me a hug and told me she admired me after I told her I was considering checking into inpatient after I graduate on Thursday. One of the weirdest things though was that I saw a girl I was in a play with back in 7th grade. I heard my name being called and was incredibly shocked to turn around and see this girl I hadn’t seen in 5ish years. That was a little mind blowing.
I loved the whole experience though. O was so close to tears so many times, but I think it was more out of relief that I wasn’t alone. Maybe mixed with the reality of everything too. I don’t know.
Oh and then we went for dinner and guess what I ordered? A burger and fries. I can’t remember the last time I had a burger and fries. Taking another step toward recovery.
Goodnight everyone xoxo
Ate so much today. And it was all fatty greasy chocolatey sweet and delicious. My stomach hates me though. All day ive just wanted to eat and eat….and eat and eat is what I did.
Tomorrow is a new day….I hope hahaha atleast all this shit high calorie food I’ve been eating is making up for the lack of ensures I’ve been drinking.
Got my prom dress today! It’s hanging in my basement! Now I just need alterations. And my date for prom officially asked me to prom…in mcdonalds…in front of my mom hahaha. It was cute.
Now watching the hawks game. Over time again. Let’s do this boys!
Working open till close today woo! Just gotta keep thinking that I get to go home to my big fat Greek wedding, greek food, and red (they actually turned out hot pink…close enough) eggs because it’s Greek Easter!
Have a good one everyone:)
Home from work! Showered and fresh! Doing homework and watching legally blonde. Debating on if I want pb&j or a chocolate chip bagel hmmmm nomom I’ll finish my psych first then decide woo!
Brrr! Cold today! Especially when I was just getting used to 80 degree Florida weather wah!
Curled up in my bed with my kitty, an ensure, and catching fire. Going to find a prom dress in a bit with my momma!
Happy Tuesday everyone:)
Getting a pedicure right now. Doing everything I can to not jerk back or kick the lady in the face. My feet are so ticklish! D: my feet need this though…they were starting to get pretty ugly- no offense feet;)
home!
from london! got back last night. spent the night telling stories to my pops and eating cereal and more chocolate croissants (i’m obsessed)
took today off school. my legs are killing me! already unpacked. just wanted to get it done and over with. spending the rest of my day reading, relaxing, showering, eating, working and going to buy some fruit! we have one apple and one grape fruit. lorissa to the rescue!
i miss london, but i’m glad to be home for sure! this month is going to be hectic. prom is in a month and i’m not prepared AT ALL. my best friend’s 18th birthday is in a couple of weeks, and i have my hockey banquet too. then work and graduation and more freak out about college and prom and more prom. i wish i had a boyfriend. and friends. oh well.
have a good one everyone:) xoxo
I had thought my eating disorder showed me strength and willpower, but I realized that the harder thing to do was not engage in behaviors and notice how much stronger I felt each time I disobeyed it. I noticed how much more people genuinely enjoyed my company when I was not using my eating disorder behaviors and how much more love I got when I was doing the harder thing. I finally realized that I wanted to live and have relationships more than I wanted my eating disorder.
(Source: internal-acceptance-movement, via dontwanttobeanorexic)
